I recently applied for the daunting position of “Veterinary Assistant” as recently posted in the “Jobs 4 U” classifieds. I also considered writing to the editor of “Jobs 4 U” to point out their poor usage of grammar but with the recent economic crisis, securing a steady job seemed far more important. Sadly, my three-piece suit had been sent to the dry cleaners as it was recently ruined by an irate pizza delivery man.

It was quite odd, actually. After screaming incessantly about “the wrong bloody money”, he unwittingly lost his footing and tragically impaled himself on my garden railings. He then got up, impaled himself a few more times before gurgling and going limp. On the plus side, I managed to get a free pizza. But to get back to things, I didn’t have a fancy suit - just a turquoise shirt and a nice pair of slacks.

Arriving at the Furry Friends Veterinary Clinic, the receptionist invited me to participate in an equal opportunity survey although I politely declined, advising her that I’m purely heterosexual. The receptionist seemed to take offence so I thought it best to offer discrete reassurance. As you can well imagine, the chloroform worked just fine and she was soon on her back, her Hello Kitty panties dangling around her ankles.

It was at this point where Doctor Redford burst in, thanking me for, “giving that slut a good hard dicking”. I was a bit shocked by the profanity but thought it best to keep my thoughts to myself. After all, this job was important to me and I didn’t want to ruin my chances on account of personal politics. Instead, I continued to provide the receptionist with a thorough palpation, much to Doctor Redford’s delight.

New Orleans, LA — Despite the fact that Michael Jackson’s death has caused an out pour of grief from fans worldwide, the Iberville community in New Orleans has clearly had enough. Because Lakisha Brown, a forty year old housewife, is upsetting residents of the Iberville Projects with her persistent wailings of, “Oh lordy, please don’t take Michael” and “Sweet Jesus, bring my Michael back home.”

Brown, who is unable to accept Jackson’s death, has continued to alarm and disturb members of this once peaceful community. George Duggan (a.k.a. G Dogg), honourable drug dealer and respected pillar of the Iberville community, has recently formed a petition to drive Brown from her home. According to Duggan:

“My customers are complaining that they can’t get high around here. Now that ain’t good for me and that ain’t good for business. It’s like this every time someone famous dies; that bitch just throws her arms up and goes into one of her fucking seizures. Something’s gotta be done about her.”

But despite Duggan’s concerns, local authorities have refused to act upon Brown and her unfaltering grief for Michael Jackson. At present, Brown is rumoured to be clutching at her hair, holding sacred beads and wailing at the top of her lungs. Other residents claim that Brown is, “on her hands and knees, doing that crazy prayer thing again.”